Depression is something that I have been struggling with for a few years.
It all started back when I was in high school. I used to have a simple life and well planned future. I dreamt about going to university and study topography for I was fond of geometry and I loved engaging my imagination into practical science. It was a shared vision with my only friend; my dad. I was so determined and so committed. I never distracted my mind with teenage urge for love and being in a relationship and believed, and still believing that it is something absurd in such an early age.
 But as the days went by and got my mind a little more open, I realised that there was something going on in my family. I could only see that two or three years before my graduation. It was such a shock to me because those issues that I discovered at that time were ever present but couldn't see them until then. It was crazy, It was like I was living inside of some sort of a capsule that isolated me from whatever was going on around me. Being exposed to such amounts of problems all of a sudden and in the same time made me lose my self esteem and confidence. I cried my eyes out every night because I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand why or even WHAT is happening. I couldn't talk to anyone, except for God. I prayed night after night for salvation and asked Him to ease this pain. I started questioning everything; My head was filled with endless questions with no possible answers. I lost interest in everything; I couldn't eat anything that I lost more than 10 kg in just few months. I lost my passion towards my studies and my grades were falling down bit by bit. I hated everyone and everything. I hated myself the most because I couldn't give any sort of help and couldn't stop this nightmare. I hated myself even more when I received my final marks of the baccalaureate exam. I can never forget the look on my father's face. He turned his back on me with a deep look of disappointment and walked away.. just like that.. I could only think that that's it, that's the end of my life. That only helped the storm inside of me  to grow even bigger and stronger and to smash what is left of my fading soul. I couldn't explain anything to anyone. It would only appear as some pathetic excuse that a loser uses to decorate his loss. I kept my mouth shut. I kept my pain for myself. I let it consume my soul.. 
As the time to choose a field of studies arrived, there was nothing left for me except for English language and German; those were the only remaining fields that I was "good" at. I loved languages and I love them still. However, i couldn't imagine myself getting a bachelor degree in them and to build a creer after that. My life is just a mess and my future is ambiguous still even after whole three years. I m just 21 years old and feeling so fed up with life. I m still fighting my depression that nobody understands or ever will. I know that I should be grateful for every little thing I have. But I m so exhausted and can't take it anymore. I feel so alienated. I feel that I don't belong to this place and can't fit in with "normal" people. I don't know when is this going to stop but hopefully it will.














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